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Trouble

6 Aug

In my creative writing class, the teacher had us all write the first sentence to a story and then pass that sentence to our left. Just to be sure, I did NOT write the first sentence of this story.

Ruth dragged me into the women’s restroom so we cold watch the old ladies pee from under the stall doors. Lucky for me, the tooth the old lady with the cap-toed oxford knocked out when she kicked me was a baby tooth. That lady did me a favor, the Tooth Fairy gave me a whole dollar for that tooth.

Ruth’s parents weren’t thrilled they had to take her to the hospital when the swelling in her nose didn’t go down overnight. I’m sure she messed with her nose while she was supposed to be sleeping, to hear a little clicking sound when she pressed one certain spot. Ruth was also a hard-core nose-picker.

When her parents asked her how she broke her nose, Ruth told them exactly what happened to her. Her parents were shocked. Her mother literally clutched her pearls. Too bad her dad didn’t wear a monocle like Mr. Peanut; it would have dropped on its cord as Mr. Logan’s eyes widened in surprise.

The Logans called my parents and apologized over and over. My parents, unlike Ruth’s, were used to Ruth’s disturbing behavior. The Logans grounded Ruth and took away her iPad Mini for two weeks. My parents just decided we shouldn’t be allowed to go to the movies without an adult again.

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So Easy, Even a Cat Can Learn It!

18 Aug

So I’m trying to learn some basic Hebrew. As of today, I know the first three letters and two vowel sounds. Also, now my cat Piper thinks her name is Vahraybaybah.

Know What I Love?

12 Aug

So, this guy with whom I’m acquainted seems like a really nice guy.  He just got a new job and he just got engaged to a woman who also seems really nice.  I’m really happy for him because I like it when nice things happen to nice people.  Unfortunately, I don’t love it like I love it when shitty things happen to jackasses!

Someone Should Slap My Face

30 Jul

I want to make “kthnxbai” the new “Amen.”  Is that so wrong?

Oh, Snap!

30 Jul

That boy’s so Jewish, he won’t watch Mad Men because it stars John Hamm!

Statue of Limitations?

15 Jul

Would it actually commemorate your misdeed, or would it simply block access to the clerk’s office where someone would file suit against you?

I’m Easily Flummoxed by Women’s Magazines

6 Jul

On the cover of a recent Cosmopolitan (yes, I read Cosmo, I know) there were two different articles. One on orgasms (duh) and one on how to give yourself a Brazilian wax without bursting into tears. What I read was “How to Give Yourself an Orgasm without Bursting into Tears.” Quite the little Freudian slip, huh?